A Useless Excuse

Admit it.

We’ve all used it.

“Not tonight – I’ve got a headache.”

Even I, self-confessed nymphomaniac with the sex drive of a rabbit on heat, have used that line.

It’s the worst excuse ever.

Sorry, ladies, I’m about to betray my entire gender here:

Orgasms are actually a painkiller.

Endorphins and a chemical called oxytocin are produced naturally within the body and their rates surge before and during orgasm. Not only is oxytocin known as a ridiculously powerful painkiller, it’s also called the cuddle hormone. Yeah, you heard me. We’re hardwired to want to cuddle immediately after sex. It also helps you relax and build trust.

There’s a reason why we’re always so smug and happy lying in that guy’s arms, wondering if he’ll make you pancakes for breakfast. He’s too busy trying to figure out how to kick you out of his place before his girlfriend gets home. Just blame your body for being so trustworthy.

Those endorphins that are released? I don’t call them happy for nothing. Studies have shown that sex helps to calm people and ease depression. Their sedative effect helps make you sleepy. Physical exercise is another reason. Intimacy with someone is yet another – though it works for those playing solo, too. Turns out that it appears that semen has an anti-depressant effect, as well as having zinc, calcium, potassium, fructose and proteins.

Don’t worry about taking those costly vitamins – just get your daily protein shake!

Jesse Pinkerman: correct as usual. Yo.

You have trouble sleeping? Have a play with yourself!

Got a headache? Have a play with yourself!

Feeling anxious? You guessed it – have a play with yourself!

Of course, this means that our readily-used, fallback excuse used world wide is pretty damn useless. So I’ve decided to compile a list of better excuses instead. Feel free to use them!

  • I have my period (please note: they may shoot back with the saying: “when the river runs red, play in the mud”)
  • I have thrush
  • Breaking Bad is on (supplement this one with any TV show your partner would be interested in)
  • How about we swap roles? I’ll penetrate you…
  • Shouldn’t you be focusing on driving?
  • My god/religious deity forbids that I have sex when Venus is in Uranus
  • The cat is glaring, I don’t think he wants to see us nude

But at the end of the day, if you find yourself giving in and and letting him have his way, you’d be surprised. All it takes is a little bit of mental fortitude and suddenly you’re in the mood. Give it a try one time. Trust me on this.

Kisses, lovers.

- the Duchess

(P.S I should probably mention that whilst studies suggest these benefits to be true, it doesn’t always seem to work for me. With the amount of orgasms I have, you’d think I’d never feel pain and I’d be able to sleep like a baby. Instead I have week-long migraines and insomnia. Go figure.)

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