Hell in an Elevator

Before I begin my expose on elevators and its social ‘wear down’, you will have no choice but to play this in the background while reading this yarn. It’s basically what I consider the ultimate ‘elevator’ music. Anyone who owns “The Late Show” on DVD (The D-Generation crew show on the ABC in the early 90’s… NOT a Letterman compilation) will have heard this before.

I really amaze myself at the level of stupid, uncoordinated, pointless conversations I’ve had on elevators (most of which I’ll take the blame for). Even after coming up with this blog topic earlier in the week & subconsciously aiming to not strike up any more lame discussions about ‘the weather’ & ‘thank god it’s Friday’ banter, today I managed to do it yet again though this time with the director of another department in my office *face slap*. I’m no stranger to making myself look stupid in front of directors. Those that know me well need look no further than the letters “JP” to know what I mean. NOTE: I will ‘tell all’ in a later blog about the ‘JP’ story as I’m sure it will become the next ‘spam’ link based on its high level of hilarity and embarrassment at my expense.

Anyway, back to ‘hell’evators…

I’ve experienced (done) it all -

  • The silent & not so silent farts (both with or without other people present… you’re welcome…)
  • The mystery tour to 10 other levels of the building having not looked at the up and down lights before walking in
  • Getting overly excited about the weather and turning into meteorologists for a brief and irrelevant moment.
  • Asking a defined question requiring a defined and somewhat lengthy answer within the space of 20 seconds (this is what happens when you work with people across multiple levels of a building) resulting in a lame & unfinished conversation (happened to me twice this week)
  • Having Jon Secada’s “Just Another Day” playing on the iPod at what I’d consider an appropriate volume until walking into a silent elevator. (By the way, I have ZERO shame for loving this song. Those who think I should be ashamed – shut your faces. I’ve merely added this to the list to give people exposure to such an epic 90s track/accompanying video clip)
  • Treating yourself to a John Travolta moment in front of the mirror while you’ve got the lift (with mirrors) to yourself then the lift opens out of the blue… (I’m channelling the opening scene from Sat Night Fever by the way. NOT anything inappropriate that JT would allegedly be capable of doing in a lift)
  • The regular awkwardness of holding or not holding a lift for someone. It seems like whether I’m a good Samaritan, or a lame fellow traveller.. it always provides a not so positive outcome along with the risk of losing an arm or a leg. Can someone explain to me the etiquette on this one??

Judging by that list, would it be correct to say that the most awkward form of transport is indeed the elevator?

FIRST WORLD PROBLEM ALERT! To make matters worse, I’m on Lvl 1 of my building, yet I’m subjected to using the elevator when I’d much rather take the fire stairs which is FORBIDDEN.

While I’m sure there’s plenty of great elevator stories out there (likely to involve fornication of some sort), I’m unfortunately not part of that niche, hence why your potential ‘love’ is my ‘hell’ in an elevator.

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