I ordinarily write in a humorous fashion where I can, but today I have managed to overwhelm myself into a state of despair and self pity. We all have our peaks and valleys, and today I am at the bottom of the valley. In fact if that valley contained a river also, I would actually be on the river floor. Curled up in the fetal position. Sobbing uncontrollably.
So let me begin….
Balance is an interesting thing. For those of you that have read Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now”, you will know that nothing in this universe is without its polarity. He teaches that black cannot exist without white, that space cannot exist without the planets and stars, and that an empty room cannot exist without the four walls surrounding it.
It is the same with our personality traits too. Whatever trait we possess, we will always posses the flip side of that trait, to create the perfect ying and yang balance.
I, for example cry every single day. I am very sensitive. I over think things and I really let things eat away at me. But I also have this incredible knack for putting up walls and not only do I not let anyone in, I also protect myself from letting anyone get too close to me. You could liken me to a cactus. I’m not entirely sure why I do this. However those that do not know me on a deeper level might see me as being quite flippant. Trying to turn everything into a joke, and keeping things light. But in reality I feel everything very deeply, and get hurt very easily too. Those are my polarities.
Here’s an example of that balance for you, which is somewhat of a negative.
I was upset just last night. I was actually beside myself. My tears wouldn’t stop flowing and the last thing I wanted was to be on my own. I am by myself a lot. More than the normal person I think. I work in solitude within my business, with the only contact I have being with clients over the phone. I write in solitude. I also don’t go out all that often, so I’m kind of my own worst enemy when it comes to isolating myself. I am also an expert at it.
Anyway, back to me being upset. The reason why is irrelevant (because I don’t want to go into the details as to why because I don’t want to let anyone in) but I do think Sundays are a hard day. I was discussing this with my friend Venessa the other day who informed me that that’s why she always works on Sundays – because everyone is with their partner or family on those days and it can be hard, so working is a welcome distraction. I can’t help but wonder if that’s why I throw myself into work the way I do. I am often referred to as a workaholic. Am I really only distracting myself from what is?
Having been in relationships from the age of 14 is also something that I feel has been detrimental to my emotional development. I am somewhat stunted in that department. I have been told I have a high mental IQ, but a low emotional one. And it’s funny. I look much younger than my almost 34 years (which in itself is remarkable as I don’t get all that much sleep), and there is a theory that my sometimes permanent state of emotional adolescence and childlike wonder (even though in certain aspects I have more adult responsibilities than some 50 year olds) has manifested into the physical – preserving me in a Peter Pan like fashion to resemble that of someone who is much younger than my chronological age will elude to. Which is obviously a welcome physical side effect, but emotionally leaves me incapable of being able to fully connect with myself.
So how am I not able to connect with myself?
I phoned a friend last night, in tears, asking if I could come over for a cup of tea and to talk about what it was I was feeling. I was incredibly lonely. Overwhelmingly lonely in fact. She told me to come over. So I got into my car and drove over to her house, and when I got there the walls came flying up. That’s my thing. I am excellent at building a fortress around myself. I went there to cry and be comforted, however I don’t ever want to appear vulnerable so I falsely and foolishly made myself seem strong and like I wasn’t falling apart. I couldn’t cry. I wouldn’t cry.
She made me a tea, and brought me chocolate, like a good girlfriend does, but I never allowed myself to fall apart. I wanted to. I wanted to be able to break down in tears, and have her hug me and tell me it’s all going to be ok. But I didn’t. And this is my flaw. Pretending to be strong when I am anything but. Being a perfectionist and worrying about distressing other people with an overt display of emotion whilst on the inside I am having a meltdown. I am almost envious of those that are able to fully connect with themselves and feel what they are feeling. I certainly felt it, to the point where I was almost physically ill, but what I was displaying on the outside told a very different story. I held it together like a trooper.
I don’t know why I see it as a sign of weakness to fall apart. We should allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling. Particularly as women.
I think my mother helped tipped me over the edge yesterday too. I had gone to my parents house for dinner, and she told me that she missed me and asked where I had been all week. I had been working. Working and isolating myself. I am the master at it. She looked at me and said “I don’t want you to go into your shell and think that nobody cares about you”. And that’s exactly what I had been doing. It’s confronting for someone to be so intuitive and realise you have been found out. Sometimes I think people see a lot more than you think they do. And it’s a contrast to what I really want. I love people. I love to talk to them, to make them laugh. But at times I feel as though I am a thorn in ones side, so I would rather go into that proverbial shell. But in attempting to keep out sadness, we also keep out happiness, and I find I am as a result my own worst enemy.
My girlfriend saw it too. People really do see a lot more than you give them credit for. She looked me straight in the eyes and told me “don’t do this alone. Draw on whatever resources you have available to you to get you through this”. But in order to do that I must lower my walls and let people in. A catch 22.
It is very self destructive to behave in the manner that I do. I had a Skype appointment with my guru (Todd Savvas – www.toddsavvas.com) last night. He is very confronting and will tell you things that you likely don’t really want to know about yourself. One thing that stuck in my mind is his warning that I am going to destroy myself if I don’t start looking after myself. My inability to sleep, and my lack of strength physically due to being a tiny person with very little reserves and one that runs purely on nervous energy will be my undoing he warned. Quite ominous, and something that made me stand to attention. The light gets in through the cracks, and hitting rock bottom means the only possible way out is up. Being broken is the catalyst for change.
Did you know as humans we need something like 23 lots of physical contact a day? It may be just a handshake, or being able to read emotion on someone else’s face, or playing with a child. I have a deficit of physical contact because of the way my business is set up, and perhaps this is also what adds to the way I have allowed myself slip into, and wallow in self pity.
Another thing that is adding to my current level of despair is that my birthday is coming up this Thursday. And I hate my birthday. I always have. My guru asked me last night what it was that I wanted to do for myself for my birthday. I couldn’t think of one thing. Nothing. But now I can. I just really want a hug. As silly as that may sound. Because after all, man is not an island, and it’s important to let someone take your hand once in a while to help guide you back onto the right path.