At times I feel as though I am being discouraged from writing. Which just makes me more determined. I do get a lot of positive feedback, but it’s the negative stuff that tends to stick in your mind.
I’m too outspoken, or people think I’m weird, or that I don’t think like other people. Not my words. But I have heard this quite a bit of late.
And I naturally go over it in my head.
Why am I outspoken? Because I say what others are too afraid to admit? I think confronting and honest is a more positive term to use.
Who cares if people think I’m weird? So what if I believe in destiny? So what if I am spiritual? So what if I have a guru? I think everyone is weird.
So what if I don’t think like other people? Is that really a bad thing? Wouldn’t it be mind numbingly boring if we all thought the same way?
I don’t want anyone drowning out my inner voice. I have an internal dialogue going on constantly as it is. Surely all of us do. But do we send ourselves crazy at times with over-thinking?
My internal dialogue was especially bad one day whilst I was in Byron Bay last week.
It was raining, and I just couldn’t relax. I wrote a blog piece and then decided to go down to the beach for a walk. Actually first I went and bought a coffee (just so I could have some physical interaction), and THEN I went to the beach.
I got down there and started walking along the sand. My mind was going at a million miles an hour.
“I am bored by myself. This sand is cold. The rain hurts when it’s windy. Why didn’t I bring a jumper with me? God I’m stupid sometimes. I wonder if there’s sharks out there? That would suck getting attacked by a shark. Oh look, a shell. I’m going to have a cigarette. I really need to stop smoking. It’s hard to light a cigarette in the wind. Did I just burn my hair with the lighter? It’s been a while since I’ve had a haircut. I look like Neil from “The Young Ones”. Gosh I have muscly legs. If I were a guy, I’d have sex with me. Look at that thong tan on my feet. I hate that spastic toe of mine. My calves hurt when I walk in the sand…”
You get the drift.
Then my guru popped into my head. And the thought pattern changed.
“I should really be doing my self worth exercises” came the voice in my head. And so I begun.
“I am beautiful, intelligent, creative, ambitious, tenacious. I am beautiful…”
But then the other voice chimed in.
“I wish I didn’t walk this far. I’m busting to go to the toilet. Why did I get that coffee? My nose is running because of the wind. If I had a jumper I could use my sleeve to wipe it. I really need to get my hair coloured…”
I reigned my thoughts in back to the self worth exercise, absolutely frustrated with myself for not being able to concentrate.
“I am beautiful, intelligent…”
And then a friend called me.
Thank God. I was sick of thinking. I was doing my own head in.
Whilst I was grateful for my friends phone call, it made me realise that I have a bad habit of not being able to quiet the clamour in my mind, and that I am always trying to distract myself from what is.
So after months of my guru pushing me to start yoga, I am officially starting this evening. My guru has no issue calling me out on my bullshit, and has told me that I’m lazy and to stop thinking and start doing – if I wasn’t so fond of him, and thought that it wasn’t for my own good, I might have cried when he said it.
And I’m not just doing any old yoga – I’m doing it with a real Indian Swami (a religious teacher for those of you who think I’m weird).
I am doing this to kick start myself into action (hoping it will create a chain reaction with all aspects of changes I need to make), and to learn the art of meditation. To quiet myself in every sense.
In fact my guru told me that when he builds his temple, he’s sending me there for a month of silence, which I personally think would be dreadful. No scratch that. It would be torture. But I need to stop the over-thinking and it’s clearly become an issue. Sometimes I think I’m his most challenging client.
Thinking about doing something will get you nowhere. Nowhere whatsoever. Its only a thought. It’s taking action that will get you places.
Let’s liken it to wanting to go somewhere. Let’s want to go to the shops.
You can think about driving to the shops, but if you do not take action and physically get in the car, turn the key and drive yourself there, you will just remain exactly where you are. No matter how much thought you put into it.
In your mind you will win the battle but ultimately lose the war.
So tonight, I look forward to learning from the Swami, and I welcome the kick in the ass from my guru, the universe, or whatever, to finally start taking some action. Really, all my inner voice is saying is “what on earth are you going to wear to yoga?” – but this is the purpose of it all.
And I shall keep you posted…